Single parenting over the past thirty years has taught me a lot.  Not having ‘Dad’ around to tell one of my sons to just punch the guy out when he was approached by a bully left me to try and figure out a solution to that problem when it arose, one that perhaps ended up with less blood on my towels!

One thing I noticed early on was that when my sons were bullied by some one, they were often taunted with name calling that was unfounded….like “You’re a liar!” This threw them on the defensive and made them angry, often just screaming back “I am not”, which escalated the interaction, often to the point of them just wanting  to hit the other guy to  shut him up. This being basically the response the other person had counted on to goad them into a fight, it worked until we figured out the basis of the problem.

I noticed over time that if they hadn’t been guilty of the taunted name they were called, (in this case, they hadn’t lied),  the bully was in fact giving them the main clue to his own behavior, i.e. that he was a liar. He was in fact lying about the fact that my son had lied. Once my sons knew to look for that as a clue to another’s taunting behavior, they ceased to be drawn into a fight with such a person, seeing right off the bat that they were dealing with a liar made them less likely to worry about what they thought about them anyway! End of conflict, as they walked away with a somewhat smug look on their face.

I find I am often using this same perspective dealing with the vicious attacks that have come upon former presidents and candidates for vice president. There is no reason to enter the fray. No response certainly does not confirm my agreement, as the attacker might hope, but only my acceptance of the clue they may have just revealed about themselves. Enough said.

I think we all need to look deeply into our own behaviors right now and question the truth of anything we are  passing on because it stirs the pot. This pressure cooker is going to explode in our faces if we don’t look for the real basis of our problems and disagreements and find “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” I am not saying I know what that is, but I am willing to look at ALL the evidence , not just that which suits my particular bias. Having more people agree with us doesn’t make something true…..mob rule is not always “just” and many men were hanged who weren’t guilty, only to temporarily prove someone was”right” and had plenty of angry supporters to agree with them. We need to remember that in this time. Truth will eventually surface, but we need to try and assist in finding it without personal prejudice. We are all in this together. One thing I learned from being accountable to my children…if I was going to call someone a name, I had better do some soul searching first and see if it had any home within me before I thrust it accusingly on someone else….